I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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