I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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