I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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