ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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