she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
