Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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