We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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