I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
