Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
