if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
