True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
