I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
