Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
