no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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