i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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