Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
