The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
