I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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