He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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