So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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