I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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