My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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