fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
