11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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