The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
