My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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