Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
