I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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