Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
True strength comes from lack of pants
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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