I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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