Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
