I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
