The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
