You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
