im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you inspire me to be a worse person
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
