The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize