Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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