I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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