dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
