Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
