No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
