I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize