I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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