I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Drake has all the answers
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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