please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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