I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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