someone threw a dead crab at me
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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