We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
