Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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