Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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