The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
