It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
