i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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