At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
