i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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