i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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