I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
