I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
