wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
