awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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