I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
