I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
