Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
