omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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